“So, paint.” Ben responded. “So, paint.”

During a phone call with Ben Montana, (my nickname for such a fella who lives there) I shared that I still hadn’t written Day 30 of my Ohio to Oregon experiment, which was due to be published on the 9th day of October last year.

I spoke of the way that I loved this experiment, and the daily writing. I loved the pressure, the creativity, and the small improvements I began to see in my writing composition. Most of all, I felt so alive during that time. Something about daily connection with my passion of writing in the context of a major attempt to bring an idea to life filled me with vitality. But then, when it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able to move yet again, it was like the zest was sucked out of me. I was deflated. No longer compelled to write.

Soon after surrendering to defeat, I was catapulted into a state of deep reflection just days shy of completing the 30-day writing work. The Blank Pages day being the first noticeable day, the words ceased to form. I managed to get through the next 2 days using the last gust of creativity I had left in me, but they were painful. The work felt forced. It wasn’t art wanting to be expressed.

So, on Day 30, I had no conclusion. No insights. No clarity. Nothing to offer as the final page. It was the fastest halt to momentum I’ve felt in a long while. I struggled with the sensation of not finishing what I started.

Grace came to me sometime in November and along with it came an insight that helped me release the guilt of having left this project unfinished.

In the space where art lives, there is no time. When you look back on the complete work, there will be Day 30. You’ll write it when it’s ready. When you’ve lived it. Release the linear, straight line in the forward direction measurement. If this is indeed an artistic project for you Jenn, then be the vessel. Not the human with a prescribed timeline.

And with that, I patiently waited month after month for the clarity and inspiration to spark me.

Somewhere through the deep rest of the winter, the following became clear:

1. The forced delay allowed me to see that while I would have liked living in Oregon, my intrigue and pull to Montana persisted in a way that Oregon didn't.
2. I am embodied now in a way that allows me to take all of me everywhere. All of me doesn’t need a 30-day speed race to get things done. She just gets things done little by little until the time comes.
3. Surrender was the thing I sensed I needed to learn most in my reflections of 2 years ago. I finally got it and learned to live it last fall. The results of that surrender have been truly life changing.
4. Detachment was a tough one for me. It’s the reason I needed to keep all of my things that first time I tried to sell, and it’s also the reason I completely panicked and couldn’t pull it off. So I picked the “safer” route to pursue with the Ohio to Oregon attempt to move, and planned to rent my house out as a furnished home. That way I would get to keep everything and not have to learn detachment. Alas, the winter had its way with me. It was brutal, but by the time this summer came along, I was ready to part with most everything. I long for lightness, simplicity, ease of movement.
5. Oh yeah – and I got super clear on wanting a cat. So, back in December I adopted Sisu. He’s incredible, and loves to travel in the car. I am officially the Dog, Cat, Van Man inspired Dog, Cat, Subaru Girl once again.

Today is Thursday, July 25, 2024 and I am eager, centered, ready, and filled with complete clarity. The house is in contract, closing date scheduled, and I’m selling nearly all of my belongings. I cannot wait to see what comes from this change, and I am so excited to meet this Jenn who is able to finally take her place in my world. She’s been awfully patient while I worked to shed layers of old identities and attachments the past 2 years.

“I don’t paint anymore.”

Ben explained the scene that I had forgotten from The Notebook wherein Allie had a moment of powerful recognition and shared her somewhat solemn realization. In her choosing a life that wasn’t in alignment with her heart, she had abandoned her creative, full, wild, adventurous, playful, lighthearted, succulent self. Ben realized that’s what had sort of happened to me last year after having to delay yet again living in my fullest truth.

“I don’t write anymore.”

“Go write, Jenn. Go write.”

Ohio to Oregon is a wrap!

The Montana Adventures coming soon…