I was once asked how I chose Orlando and attending the University of Central Florida for college. My answer? ‘I really love Nsync, and they live in Orlando, so I’m going to go there.’  I was serious about being completely unserious. This was right after calling Leonardo DiCaprio’s manager during the epic Titanic era of the late 90’s. I attempted to score an interview with Leonardo by posing as Andrea Cambern, a local news anchor. Why not think big and try everything?

For all of my seriousness and overworking nature, I seemed to also handle life with play, not care. Especially in making decisions that, for most, would be handled much more seriously.

I’m not sure anything has changed.

[The scene is now present-day 2023. Jenn is at home with a glass of wine, in pjs winding down from the day.]

“Whoa – did I just write my blog post? Do I just need to play this recording and type up my blog post? 

5 minutes earlier…

[Jenn records voice message for Ann]

“Hello, lovely Ann. I came upstairs just now and walked into my bedroom. The Airbnb Nightmares show I had on the TV is over, and the TV auto played some show about Palm Springs and Frank Sinatra that’s on now. So I can’t help but think of you, obviously. And I thought,

“Oh – that’s the connection Ann has to Palm Springs. It represents mid-century.”

I didn’t realize that. I’m guessing that’s the connection that you have to that place – the mid century architecture and design. It appears as though the city may be some kind of time capsule.

Anyway, that led me to think about how it is really interesting that all of a sudden I’m fascinated with California. You know? It started with my completely unplanned until I got to Oregon trip to Mount Shasta, and then it was seeing the Facebook photos of Lake Tahoe my friend Cory posted a few weeks ago, and now I find myself drawn to the TV as I’m seeing all of these old photos of Palm Springs in this documentary I didn’t choose to watch…

…and I feel eager and I feel curious and then I thought about how it’s the same exact curiosity that led me to Utah for college and it’s the same curiosity that led me to choose UCF for my second college, and it’s just… pure f****** curiosity and playfulness…

And as I was sitting here considering how much all of a sudden I’m fascinated with California I asked myself,

“what does this mean?”

I was (and still am) interested in Michigan, then Montana, then Oregon, now California. And it’s never going to end –  I can tell –  it’s not going to end. My curiosity will keep finding new things to be interested in. I just want to live them all.

But I had a moment just now where I was thinking about how you offered something to me either on the phone on Wednesday when we talked, or maybe you said it in person Saturday. You said something like, 

“you know you can always go visit those places” …

Just now I heard you in my head say that and then I started self inquiry asking myself,

“why does your interest automatically make you want to move to a place?”

…and that’s where I am right now. This is where I suspect it’s possible I’m deluding myself a little bit in that there is some kind of an unawareness presently within me – there is a sort of child-like unawareness of my interpretation of reality. And perhaps awareness would update that delusion so I could recognize, “oh- when I feel this pull to a place it doesn’t mean I have to move there. Oh, okay.”

So, is my barometer off? Or, is it that my barometer is f****** perfect and I play with life like a child plays with, you know, Legos?

“I’m going to build this with my legos and then I’m going to tear it down and I’m going to build this” It’s like, “I’m gonna go to Montana. I think I’m gonna move there. Oooo- now I wanna go to Oregon. I think I’m gonna move there. Oooo- I’m gonna go to Northern California. I think I’m gonna move there.”

Like, we wouldn’t criticize a child who wants to tear down the Legos and rebuild it – is this all that I’m doing and am I just the bravest adult ever (giggles) refusing to lose grasp of our true nature that our culture is convincing us all we have to do as we grow up? You know what I mean? Other countries have cultures which embrace our true nature as humans more readily. And I mean, how’s our culture in the U.S. working out for humanity, you know?

Life for me was so serious as a child living at home. I was navigating such intense and complex interpersonal dynamics that disabled my ability to just be my truest nature of lighthearted discovery. I think as soon as I could break free from home, I attempted to reclaim my autonomy and finally experience life in the carefree way that I knew was my birthright.

Now I actually see my entire progression including that intense and serious environment growing up as a great thing because if it’s what has made me relentless in maintaining an active relationship with curiosity, that’s the best gift ever. I have so much fun with life. It’s a good problem to have to want to live in so many places.

I truly believe that the adults who live most fulfilled are those who keep ahold of their true nature, you know? The nature that we as kids come in knowing unquestionably, until little by little, it’s programmed out of us.

These are thoughts I’m having in this moment, my dearest Ann. I don’t know anything more – I’m just acknowledging the thoughts because, whoa – did I just write my blog post? Do I just need to play this recording and type up my blog post? That would be great because I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like thinking. I just want to keep drinking this wine. Maybe this is my blog post? Oh my gosh this is my blog post.

Okay, I’ll let you go oh- the Bossa Nova music station I listen to all the time at my house – that’s what I was thinking about earlier – when you were here and you said you love this station and that it reminds you of Palm Springs…I didn’t realize that was music tied to that area of mid-century…

I was thinking, “oh wow- I didn’t even realize- evidently I have this in me and didn’t know it – this natural inclination to the ethos of Palm Springs without realizing it. It was just a thought I had.

I’m kind of obsessed with California right now. It’s so weird. It’s so weird. I really honestly don’t understand this. Anyway, alright, well I’m going to end it here I love you I will talk to you soon. Bye!”