Last year, I challenged myself to move within 30 days. It took having my house packed in a moving truck on my driveway before I realized it was not the right plan for me, and I called the whole thing off. There are still components of that crazy time that remain unclear to me, but what I do know for sure is that during those 30 days, I steamrolled myself. I abandoned my intuition. All in pursuit of accomplishing an arbitrary goal of a move in 30 days.

I’ve always liked to make life into a game. To merge work and play. When I was young and it was chore time, I would make a list of each thing I had to do, determine the amount of time for completion of each, set a timer, and then GO! It was so fun to surge within that focus. To see what I was capable of pulling off.

That’s how I’ve successfully tackled many large projects in my life to date. And on a small scale, for example, I do it each and every morning while getting ready for work. I like seeing if I can shave off time (usually by not shaving my legs) and find workarounds for a more efficient morning. I’m a balls-to-the-wall, high-energy, time maximizer and life optimizer kind of a girl. Fueled by optimism rather than realism, I would rather fail trying to beat my last best time than determine what’s possible based on history.

But, these self-management practices aren’t always the best if they lead a person to act incongruently with what is best for them.

The challenge is that we don’t always know until the moving truck is packed in the driveway.

Part of what I was overriding last summer was wisdom attempting to deliver a message. Hindsight has very open ears, as it turns out.

Wisdom: “Hey, um, Jenn? Just in case you need a reminder, you are now 44, and your life decisions surrounding selling your house and moving to an entirely new state are so very different than house chores. Your dissonance is trying to tell you that perhaps you’re not aligned with one or more of your values with this pursuit.”

Wisdom’s whispers were poignant, but I could only discern confusion in my refusal to surrender control. I knew I was massively confused, and nothing felt right, but I just kept thinking it was all normal to feel given such a big move. I assumed it would all feel right once I was packed and ready to leave.

But it didn’t. Something felt wrong. And though I was stubborn in wanting to remain focused on my goal, once at the “altar,” I will not move forward if things don’t feel right. I will ‘Runaway Bride’ that plan. Let the town talk. And so it was.

Old Jenn: “Yeah, last summer I was fiercely focused, and if I do say so myself – impressively so. I found virtue in surviving circumstances that tried to take me down a thousand times in those 30 days. I soldiered on.”

New Jenn: “So, um, I have a question. Who are you at war with? Solder on. Survive. Take down. Do you hear the words you’re using to describe what you’re patting yourself on the back for? I’m just curious why you feel like you must survive anything when these are all your decisions. You aren’t at war with anyone. There’s no one trying to take you down.“

After a year of reflection, a trip to Oregon, and a visit to Mt. Shasta for a healing session with Lauren at Starlight Healing, I realize that somewhere deep within my psyche is a belief that life is war. I am not safe without strife. I must fight, prove, effort, and work to survive. I must soldier on.

Well, dang. No wonder I was comfortable with the discomfort of last summer’s attempt to move. No wonder I steamrolled myself. I hold a belief that the key to my survival is in challenge.

This year, it’s become abundantly clear that the idea to move was never the problem, only the parameters I set around the plan.

So, it seemed to me that setting a 30-day parameter again this year would be a great way to build the muscles of surrender. To practice release. To remind myself that feelings of comfort and ease are indicators of being on the right path, not whether I’m surviving and soldiering through discomfort. The difference is that along with this 30-day plan is sheer curiosity and wonder. Can it happen without excessive effort? Will the Universe create a path?

Old Jenn occasionally has valid concerns: “Without a deadline and a commitment to sticking to it, Jenn, you aren’t always the best at reaching completion. You know this is true about yourself. You were smart enough to know that when you were a kid doing chores. You’d have spent all day cleaning the bathroom if you didn’t set a goal to complete it in 13 minutes. This is no different.”

New Jenn: “That’s a great point. Let’s keep that in mind, shall we? Let’s be curious and playful about the 30-day timeframe and see if it’s possible without resisting life to make it happen. Let’s trust that we will know how to manage ourself throughout this process. Let’s assume that if we’re losing focus on something fully within our control, we can put some parameters in place to steer productivity. But remember that we decided to surrender – to lean back – to allow – which means we’re co-creating with life on this voyage. We must be quiet and still sometimes to receive life’s input. We don’t have to be robotic. We don’t only have one channel or speed. We are more than just a soldier.”

Today is Day 1 of 30. Yet to be tackled (in a footballish not soldier-y way) 🙂 is everything: landing a job, finding a place to live, securing a renter for my house in Ohio, packing and moving. Tomorrow I shall tackle resume. Chat then.